Football, Sport

The Fraud XI

These are the views of Jack Nethercott (@JackNev20) and nobody else, if you disagree then take it up with him.

Fraud. “a person or thing intended to deceive others, typically by unjustifiably claiming or being credited with accomplishments or qualities.” There are many things that fall into this category. The Premier League is without a doubt the largest. Dubbed as the ‘greatest league in the world’, renowned for its unpredictable nature (except the team who’s dropped points in 3 games all season), a league where any team can beat anyone (except when the top 6 have lost 6 games between them against the bottom half of the table) and how the quality is just about the greatest around. The fact is, it isn’t. It’s a mixture of good teams and various shades of dross. The ultimate concoction of frauds. But just who does fit into the ultimate Premier League fraud XI?

Firstly, we need a fraud formation. Step forward the 3-5-2. Made famous in this country by the soon to be sacked Italian with ADHD Antonio Conte, his 3-5-2 merging with a 3-4-3 “took the country by storm” last year. Or in other words not used on Match of the Day, everyone else was too thick to adjust to it. (Greatest League in the world and all that). This year it’s not quite worked the same and for that reason, the 3-5-2 comes in.

In goal we have FRASER FORSTER.

Image result for fraser forster

For a time the bandwagon was well and truly motoring down the line for this man to become England number one despite no one ever seeing him have a good game. The same can now be said for Jack Butland. I reckon, the only reason people wanted him in as the only keeper in the league to make more mistakes than him (watch this lad at his left hand side) is Joe Hart. The current England number 1. Go figure.

 

The first Centre Back in the team is DALEY BLIND.

Image result for daley blind

Now apologies, I should really have introduced myself. You’ll all know Ellis, he will understand this pick, but for the ones that don’t know me, I’m Jack, a United fan, and I just cannot stand this utter fraud of a man. So he’s in.

 

Joining Daley at the back is JOHN STONES.

Image result for john stones

Everton once sang ‘money can’t buy you Stones’, as it happened, it could, 50 million to be precise, for a lad from Barnsley who cannot actually defend. (Note how Gok Wan knocked him off the ball for Liverpool a few weeks ago.)

 

The final piece in this defensive puzzle is VIRGIL VAN DIJK.

Image result for virgil van dijk

He was a ‘coup’ at 75 Million. Apparently. Yet nobody else actually tried to sign him. Which makes you wonder is he actually any good. (Spoiler. He’s not.)

 

If you asked me, along with ‘number 10s’ the wing back is the ultimate fraud position. It’s for defenders who can’t defend and attackers who can’t attack. Step forward….KYLE WALKER and DANNY ROSE.

Image result for kyle walkerImage result for danny rose

The ex Spurs pair are the ultimate speed merchants. You’ll often see them praised for their ability to use their speed to make last ditch challenges. What the commentators fail to mention is that if they weren’t out of position in the first place they wouldn’t have any need to make such challenges. Rose is itching for a move to United and god forbid he does. These 2 will be way over the hill when their pace goes. The quintessential fraud.

 

Moving along into center midfield and we come across to the one man I utterly detest. N’GOLO KANTE.

Image result for ngolo kante

I try and forget that whole Leicester farce happened. Yer da will say it was “good for football”, it wasn’t. Poverty teams should not win big boy trophies. However, this lad somehow won it again and then won PLAYER OF THE YEAR. he cannot pass a bloody ball. He literally runs around for 90 minutes. He gets praise for winning the balls back which he gives away. And without wanting to incriminate him, there’s absolutely no way those Leicester lads didn’t go on Peps travel agency trips to Barcelona. Let’s have it right.

 

Another lad I properly hate (there’s a theme emerging here), is DELE ALLI.

Image result for dele alli

He’s got a right smackable face and is snide to boot. However my issue is I’m not actually sure what he’s good at. Yes he scores goals, but what else does he do? He isn’t quick, or strong. He hasn’t got an array of skills, so it begs the question what? He’s been found wanting this year as well. Ask any Spurs fan and he’s been very, very poor.

 

ANDER HERRERA.

Image result for ander herrera

He was brilliant last year. Properly brilliant. Except actually he wasn’t. Just everyone else was rubbish. He’s a weird sub that Jose makes every week it seems now. We’ll be winning, he’ll take off an attacker, Ander will come on and then we won’t win the game. He’s completely devoid of confidence and I’m sticking the boot in even more here. He does nothing now but point at things on the pitch and shout.

 

At this point I want you to log on YouTube, go and find the goal MARCUS RASHFORD scored against Chelsea last season and watch the way he connected.

Image result for marcus rashford

He can’t actually kick a ball properly. He’s lost the ability to find a man this year. Off the top of my head I’ve got 5 chances in mind here and yet somehow nobody at United has played more than him over the past 2 seasons. Honestly. No one. The jury has been out for me for a long long time.

 

 

GABRIEL JESUS.
Image result for gabriel jesus
As you’re on YouTube now go and find a compilation of goals from this kid and count how many aren’t open goal tap ins. I’m going to say a maximum of 0. (NOTE: I haven’t actually researched this). All he does is score tap ins. Honestly. Absolute fraud.
But who is going to manage them? Step forward. MAURICIO POCHETTINO.
Image result for mauricio pochettino
The man who’s had a book written about him and compared to Fergie. The man who declared Spurs weren’t interested in the League Cup or FA Cup despite never winning either in their recent history, the man who’s not actually won a single trophy. The man who has won 1 away game against a big club and basically lost the rest. The man who “put the pressure” on Chelsea. The man who let Leicester win the league. The man who finished 3rd in a 2 horse race. He’s a nice chap. Let’s call him ‘The People’s Fraud’.

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